Saturday, April 2, 2011

loveyoubunches byebye

no question - it has been a helluva week this past week.

i got a call on 3/23/2011 - my dad was going to be taken to the hospital. the antibiotics were not working and it was time for intravenous antibiotics.

on 3/24/2011 my brother calls and said they tell him he has a heart valve problem and should a pacemaker be placed? dad never lived on his own again after the last surgery due to problems with the anesthesia - this information i relayed on to terry - terry relayed it on to the surgeon. the surgeon then suggests hospice. terry tells dad the grim situation. dad asks, "do i have today?" terry says, "yes, you have today." dad asks, "do i have tomorrow?" terry says, "you might have tomorrow." silence. they move him back to the nursing home.

on 3/25/2011 we get on the road at 4:30am - an 8 hour drive. around 9am i get a call from the nursing home stating that dad is non-responsive and his heart rate is between 40-50 bpm. i ask her, "we are about 1/2 way there, will he wait for me?"
she says he will wait. i text my nieces with the update. 5 minutes later my one niece texts back that she is there with dad. at this point it is just selfish to expect him to wait another 3-4 hours for me to get there and i know he does not want me to see him at his weakest physical point.

i call my niece and tell her to put the phone to dad's ear. i tell him some personal things, and then ask him not to wait for me. if he is ready to be with god and mom, then please let go.
then "loveyoubunches byebye" which is my closing phrase for dad, and then i hang up.

2 minutes later my niece calls back - "he heard you! he is gone."

r.i.p. dad - you are the only man that has ever loved me my entire life.

funeral arrangements are made - all 3 of us kids are there. my brothers treat me like a fucking dog during the whole time there. i make a memorial dvd. it turns out wonderful - and it was finished in time for the viewing on 3/28/2011. funeral is on 3/29/2011 - the malamate and i leave before the luncheon is even over with - i am tired of being treated like a second rate citizen by my brothers. i am out of there. back on the road.

we are halfway home and my gut hurts so bad that we have to stop so i can get some antacid. back on the road. an hour later i am throwing up everything. the pain continues. the entire trip home. we arrive home about 9:30. i try tums and lie down. no comfort. i get up and continue to throw up. i tell the malemate he needs to take me to the hospital. i get admitted about 3:30 3/30/2011. the pain is excruciating and i am given dilaudid via iv with a protonix chaser. again i throw up. the dilaudid finally relieves much of the pain.

testing starts the next day; blood tests; ultrasound; 3/30/2011 the hepatobilliary function test. 3/31/2011 doc reports all testing is normal. one more test, the egd.
4/1/2011 i am still in the hospital and feeling great - no pain, no pain meds for over 24 hours. the egd is performed around 6:30 - results come back normal. i ask the doc if all of this could be stress related? he responds with, "a good possibility." they release me.

i get home and start catching up on email just to read that my typing account has been taken over by the fucking electronic medical record - yeh, fuck you obama!

so, to summarize, my dad is gone, i have now spent overnite time in a hospital (first time in my life) with inconclusive results, and i no longer have any work.

there must be a message in there somewhere.


terri said...

My heart hurts so bad for you. I can't even imagine the pain and frustration and grief you are experiencing.

How may I help this time be easier for you?

CausedByKarma said...

you truly are a gem on this world wide web terri. there is nothing you can do. it will all heal, with or without scars, it will all heal. regarding dad though, it was sad, but he was so ready to leave and unlike when mom died, i had no regrets with my dad, so it is much easier to say 'byebye'. actually, the expression on his face in the casket was perfect for him. it looked like he was saying, "close the lid. i'm outta here. get on with your lives." it did my heart good.

Laoch of Chicago said...

Gosh how horrible! Losing a parent is truly awful. When each of parents died I felt as if the earth was insecure beneath my feet. Be gentle with yourself, and good wishes to you and your family.

CausedByKarma said...

well laoch, it does seem the earth is unstable :-) but yeh, dad was the strongest man i ever knew - even my brothers, when the pastor asked what is one word you would use to describe your dad, they both responded with strong, simultaneously.

justjock said...

this news breaks my heart. breaks my heart.

you have my deepest sympathy, bren. if there is anything I can do, please let me know.

CausedByKarma said...

thanks much jock. you know i will let you know if i need anything. i was actually able to gather all the music for the dvd, thanks to help of my nieces - cuz you know, i generally come begging to you for help with that. btw, one of the songs a niece requested was called "the dreaming fields" - it was really a nice addition to the dvd. if you have not heard it, or want a copy, let me know.

also, if you are interested:

i didn't have time to make it completely chrono - but it still is good. :-)

Anonymous said...


I am sorry for your loss and your pain.

What a lovely tribute to your father...I loved the pics and the music.

big hugs,
the mouse who has finally learned to shut her big mouth

justjock said...


your tribute touched me in so many ways. in some odd way, it was as if I was seeing my own life played out before me. Many of the old photos weren't much different than those in my own scrapbooks.

thank you for sharing. i watched twice. my favorite pic? your dad in his pajamas.

CausedByKarma said...

@mouse - thank you and thanks so much for watching.
and about the "shut her big mouth" - but the blog isn't about talking with the mouth, ya hear? ;-)

@jock - thanks so much for watching!
the jammie pic was taken one morning when he and i were AK- the trip after mom's death. i'm so grateful that he and i did that trip. when i did the dvd of photos for him to show his buddies of the AK trip, i wrote on it "daddy heffner" he loved it.

ColleenQ said...

This just hurts, Brenda - down to my deepest core. I wonder if I would be as big and brave, and let him go without waiting for me...he was blessed to be the man to love you for your whole life, and I'm so sorry...

CausedByKarma said...

thanks Colleen. i was lucky to have him in my life as long as i did. as big and strong as he was most of his life, he was the one i always went to with 'matters of the heart'