Friday, April 15, 2011

any excuse works, right?

i had a dream last night that included both my mom and dad. it was an extremely short dream.
mom looked absolutely radiant!
dad looked sad.
mom was walking with another man, someone i didn't know. she did not introduce me.
dad didn't stay around long. he walked away when mom came up to me.
i always wonder what prompts dreams - as i seldom remember dreams as sleep really is not my friend without some sort of medication.
i have disappointed myself. perhaps that is why they came to me. i have been giving myself a mental beating since 04/06/2011.

i met shar and the cap'n at the casino for an overnight. shar, another friend, and i were at the bar, drinking double scotchies. which in itself is odd, as i seldom drink when i go the casinos. i guess i just wanted to fade my brain for a bit ... to stop the thoughts for a few hours.

shar and i proceeded to do our 'catching up' chit chat, gamble a bit, and and drink. we ordered another and a guy at the end of the bar said something about the scotch. we were surprised, as we seldom run into others that indulge in scotch.
conversation ensued. the guy came over and sat by me and the chat turned subtly flirty.

ever since i have been married to the malemate (going on 19 years total), and in real life, i have always physically removed myself when conversation turns this direction, not wanting to encourage anything.
i was very much attracted to the guy, not sexually so much, but to the personality/aura, and for some reason, i couldn't walk away like i have always done. what was it about him?
he and i left the bar and headed upstairs.
i don't even know what to type about what did or did not happen from that point, but it was interesting/curious.
i left his room.
he had given me his card. daring doncha think since he too is married? ... for what? 27? years. he lives 1.5 hours from me.
damn him for slipping into my already fucked-down life.

can i use the events of the past few weeks as an excuse for my behavior?
i think i am adult enough to answer that with an absolute no.

5 comments:

Laoch of Chicago said...

Be kind to yourself. You have had a trauma and as such the world is a bit askew for you right now.

ColleenQ said...

I agree with Laoch - you deserve to cut yourself some slack right now.

CausedByKarma said...

@laoch and colleen - perhaps, or maybe i'm just bored. who the hell knows? only time knows ...

justjock said...

boredom has been a factor in many of my "adventures." in addition to the emotional roller-coaster you've endured lately...there are probably a lot of issues unresolved where the malemate is concerned. please don't beat yourself up. we're all human.

of course, I'm the last one that should give advice about anything relationship related. just know I understand, and if you need to talk...

kittycatlane said...

I'm usually "Mary Sunshine" on most things... except this. He sounds very polished, very used to and comfortable with what he does at bars when away from home. Which makes me think, he does this a lot! I know how easy it is to have, (I'll use Jock's "adventures") when you are bored/numb/scared/sad/etc. For me, the guilt was/is eating me alive. I care about you, and hope you don't end up being "prey" to some smooth, charming, amusing, gorgeous, sexy, jack-ass... lol BIG HUGS, Steph