and so it goes ...

the relationship with the malemate is tepid at best. on the way home from OK this past weekend, he said, "maybe we should think about getting a divorce. we'll put the house on the market and split everything up."
believe it or not, i stayed silent.
so, on tuesday, as i was scouring the net to try to find some work, i kept one ear to the other room, listening for him to call a real estate agent. it didn't happen.
wednesday, it didn't happen.
today, it didn't happen.
maybe he changed his mind ... this time.
it concerns me.
what will be, will be... no doubt.

i do think about "the guy" every day.
stop it!
butButBUT i just received the latest brochure for overnights at the casino for the month of may.
stop it!
i wonder if i should book a room and text him.
stop it!

i think i need a timeout.
can i get that timeout with a scotch and a gorilla juice vape?
oh and a mind-thump chaser please.  

high gas price due to a gassy mouthed muslim

i hope no one is wondering why the price of gas is so high.

this lying progressive man-child we have in the white house put a moratorium on drilling in the gulf a few months back. surely people don't have such selective memories to have forgotten that.

how that half-white fool can say he is for the 'little guy' and actually have people believe it is beyond me.

i need some mental magic

i went mushroom hunting/picking yesterday. i didn't get picked up until 4:30pm. to say i was about bouncing off the walls from anxiety most of the day would not be far from the truth. 

however, today is a completely different story. i woke about 1:30am, got up, and got on the net, and have pretty much been there ever since. it is now 2:00pm. i have not even dressed and have no plan to do so at this point. why bother? 

i think i may have lost my friends shar and the cap'n. she and i had a chat the other day regarding an absolute insane decision they are making. i told her that the 'bubbas' that they have hired, are basically gypsy's and sooner or later they will take over their lives. and will use that new 'grandbaby wanna-be' as their 'in'. it was probably uncalled for, but if you knew the entire ordeal/situation, and the fact that i am pretty acute when it comes to reading people, it would all make sense. 

the malemate and i will be going to the OK! cousins for the weekend. i generally look forward to that - but not so much this time.  i keep wondering if i should  tell him about the 'stranger' if that would  move me past all of this shit that i continue to bury myself in.

i bet that when i snap my fingers, i will magically come out of this funk.

snap!

Snap!

SNAP! 

...

crackle? 

pop? 

okay, i have got to get serious about finding some work. this is ridiculous.

any excuse works, right?

i had a dream last night that included both my mom and dad. it was an extremely short dream.
mom looked absolutely radiant!
dad looked sad.
mom was walking with another man, someone i didn't know. she did not introduce me.
dad didn't stay around long. he walked away when mom came up to me.
i always wonder what prompts dreams - as i seldom remember dreams as sleep really is not my friend without some sort of medication.
i have disappointed myself. perhaps that is why they came to me. i have been giving myself a mental beating since 04/06/2011.

i met shar and the cap'n at the casino for an overnight. shar, another friend, and i were at the bar, drinking double scotchies. which in itself is odd, as i seldom drink when i go the casinos. i guess i just wanted to fade my brain for a bit ... to stop the thoughts for a few hours.

shar and i proceeded to do our 'catching up' chit chat, gamble a bit, and and drink. we ordered another and a guy at the end of the bar said something about the scotch. we were surprised, as we seldom run into others that indulge in scotch.
conversation ensued. the guy came over and sat by me and the chat turned subtly flirty.

ever since i have been married to the malemate (going on 19 years total), and in real life, i have always physically removed myself when conversation turns this direction, not wanting to encourage anything.
i was very much attracted to the guy, not sexually so much, but to the personality/aura, and for some reason, i couldn't walk away like i have always done. what was it about him?
he and i left the bar and headed upstairs.
i don't even know what to type about what did or did not happen from that point, but it was interesting/curious.
i left his room.
he had given me his card. daring doncha think since he too is married? ... for what? 27? years. he lives 1.5 hours from me.
damn him for slipping into my already fucked-down life.

can i use the events of the past few weeks as an excuse for my behavior?
i think i am adult enough to answer that with an absolute no.

loveyoubunches byebye

no question - it has been a helluva week this past week.

i got a call on 3/23/2011 - my dad was going to be taken to the hospital. the antibiotics were not working and it was time for intravenous antibiotics.

on 3/24/2011 my brother calls and said they tell him he has a heart valve problem and should a pacemaker be placed? dad never lived on his own again after the last surgery due to problems with the anesthesia - this information i relayed on to terry - terry relayed it on to the surgeon. the surgeon then suggests hospice. terry tells dad the grim situation. dad asks, "do i have today?" terry says, "yes, you have today." dad asks, "do i have tomorrow?" terry says, "you might have tomorrow." silence. they move him back to the nursing home.

on 3/25/2011 we get on the road at 4:30am - an 8 hour drive. around 9am i get a call from the nursing home stating that dad is non-responsive and his heart rate is between 40-50 bpm. i ask her, "we are about 1/2 way there, will he wait for me?"
she says he will wait. i text my nieces with the update. 5 minutes later my one niece texts back that she is there with dad. at this point it is just selfish to expect him to wait another 3-4 hours for me to get there and i know he does not want me to see him at his weakest physical point.

i call my niece and tell her to put the phone to dad's ear. i tell him some personal things, and then ask him not to wait for me. if he is ready to be with god and mom, then please let go.
then "loveyoubunches byebye" which is my closing phrase for dad, and then i hang up.

2 minutes later my niece calls back - "he heard you! he is gone."

r.i.p. dad - you are the only man that has ever loved me my entire life.

funeral arrangements are made - all 3 of us kids are there. my brothers treat me like a fucking dog during the whole time there. i make a memorial dvd. it turns out wonderful - and it was finished in time for the viewing on 3/28/2011. funeral is on 3/29/2011 - the malamate and i leave before the luncheon is even over with - i am tired of being treated like a second rate citizen by my brothers. i am out of there. back on the road.

we are halfway home and my gut hurts so bad that we have to stop so i can get some antacid. back on the road. an hour later i am throwing up everything. the pain continues. the entire trip home. we arrive home about 9:30. i try tums and lie down. no comfort. i get up and continue to throw up. i tell the malemate he needs to take me to the hospital. i get admitted about 3:30 3/30/2011. the pain is excruciating and i am given dilaudid via iv with a protonix chaser. again i throw up. the dilaudid finally relieves much of the pain.

testing starts the next day; blood tests; ultrasound; 3/30/2011 the hepatobilliary function test. 3/31/2011 doc reports all testing is normal. one more test, the egd.
4/1/2011 i am still in the hospital and feeling great - no pain, no pain meds for over 24 hours. the egd is performed around 6:30 - results come back normal. i ask the doc if all of this could be stress related? he responds with, "a good possibility." they release me.

i get home and start catching up on email just to read that my typing account has been taken over by the fucking electronic medical record - yeh, fuck you obama!

so, to summarize, my dad is gone, i have now spent overnite time in a hospital (first time in my life) with inconclusive results, and i no longer have any work.

there must be a message in there somewhere.