loveyoubunches byebye

no question - it has been a helluva week this past week.

i got a call on 3/23/2011 - my dad was going to be taken to the hospital. the antibiotics were not working and it was time for intravenous antibiotics.

on 3/24/2011 my brother calls and said they tell him he has a heart valve problem and should a pacemaker be placed? dad never lived on his own again after the last surgery due to problems with the anesthesia - this information i relayed on to terry - terry relayed it on to the surgeon. the surgeon then suggests hospice. terry tells dad the grim situation. dad asks, "do i have today?" terry says, "yes, you have today." dad asks, "do i have tomorrow?" terry says, "you might have tomorrow." silence. they move him back to the nursing home.

on 3/25/2011 we get on the road at 4:30am - an 8 hour drive. around 9am i get a call from the nursing home stating that dad is non-responsive and his heart rate is between 40-50 bpm. i ask her, "we are about 1/2 way there, will he wait for me?"
she says he will wait. i text my nieces with the update. 5 minutes later my one niece texts back that she is there with dad. at this point it is just selfish to expect him to wait another 3-4 hours for me to get there and i know he does not want me to see him at his weakest physical point.

i call my niece and tell her to put the phone to dad's ear. i tell him some personal things, and then ask him not to wait for me. if he is ready to be with god and mom, then please let go.
then "loveyoubunches byebye" which is my closing phrase for dad, and then i hang up.

2 minutes later my niece calls back - "he heard you! he is gone."

r.i.p. dad - you are the only man that has ever loved me my entire life.

funeral arrangements are made - all 3 of us kids are there. my brothers treat me like a fucking dog during the whole time there. i make a memorial dvd. it turns out wonderful - and it was finished in time for the viewing on 3/28/2011. funeral is on 3/29/2011 - the malamate and i leave before the luncheon is even over with - i am tired of being treated like a second rate citizen by my brothers. i am out of there. back on the road.

we are halfway home and my gut hurts so bad that we have to stop so i can get some antacid. back on the road. an hour later i am throwing up everything. the pain continues. the entire trip home. we arrive home about 9:30. i try tums and lie down. no comfort. i get up and continue to throw up. i tell the malemate he needs to take me to the hospital. i get admitted about 3:30 3/30/2011. the pain is excruciating and i am given dilaudid via iv with a protonix chaser. again i throw up. the dilaudid finally relieves much of the pain.

testing starts the next day; blood tests; ultrasound; 3/30/2011 the hepatobilliary function test. 3/31/2011 doc reports all testing is normal. one more test, the egd.
4/1/2011 i am still in the hospital and feeling great - no pain, no pain meds for over 24 hours. the egd is performed around 6:30 - results come back normal. i ask the doc if all of this could be stress related? he responds with, "a good possibility." they release me.

i get home and start catching up on email just to read that my typing account has been taken over by the fucking electronic medical record - yeh, fuck you obama!

so, to summarize, my dad is gone, i have now spent overnite time in a hospital (first time in my life) with inconclusive results, and i no longer have any work.

there must be a message in there somewhere.

2011 resolutions a girl can live with

the ok! cousins came to town for the new year celebration.

on january 1, 2011, j and i were lounging in jammies all day as the guys had a pool tournament to attend to.

around 5 in the afternoon, she proudly announced her new years resolutions:

1. drink more alcohol
2. gain more weight
3. exercise less
4. smoke more

after this she noted: "i NEVER keep my new year's resolutions."

i like the way she thinks.

me and j of the ok! cousins on nye 2010

as the year comes to an end ...

i was working away on wednesday night and the phone rings showing the caller id to be a mutual acquaintance of the cap'n and shar. i knew before answering that it was not going to be good - as the main reason we exchanged phone numbers was 'in case of emergency.'

he asks if i have heard from shar - i told him i left a voicemail tuesday, but had not heard back. i asked if the cap'n may have had appointments or maybe they were gambling. he drops the bomb that no, none of that because he just left there around 2:10 in the afternoon and then around 4:30 he got a call from the cleaning lady something about the cap'n and shar's house burned down!

robert also wants to confirm shar's cell phone number - which he had correct. he then says he is unable to get an answer on it.

the cold chill and internal shaking begins.

i told him i have a couple other numbers of friends over there that may have some info and as soon as i know anything, i'd call him back.

my first call to a friend went to voicemail. the second call i got an answer and received the news that yes indeed, their house did burn, but ...

the cap'n, shar, and the two dogs are safe.

let the rebuilding begin.

in a blink the week was gone

we had the granddaughter (tt) here last week. what a pleasure it was having her around. i hope she enjoyed herself and will come back again. she had not been back here in 6 years.

she is my step-granddaughter as i never had kids.

we took her to the airport on monday. i had leaky eyes half the trip back home from tulsa.

funny text exchange with her mom (whom i do love and appreciate for a job well done on raising tt)

when tt left california i had texted her mom to see if tt's flight departed on time. she came back with:

"yep. she's on the plane. no problem. cc (the blood grandma) called and asked her if she wanted to come out there and visit the last part of her summer. tt said i'm already going to see my grammy and grandpa hahaha!"

i replied: "omg! that is so funny! well catty funny. what did cc say when she said that? that girl sure knows how to make our day! luv it!"

the mom replied: "she (cc) said well you know we miss you out here and tt said ya well, maybe next year. hahaha!"

clearly, i'm the grammy of heart ;-)

tt & me at the silver dollar city in missouri:



tt & me atving in oklahoma:

best event of the summer!

today my 16-year-old granddaughter flies in to tulsa to spend a week with us old folks. to say i'm outta my mind excited would be an understatement. this is the first year since 2004 that she has been out this way. i asked her the previous years, but i could tell her heart was not in it, but this year when i asked, she said, "i really would like to come out." i was elated.

flights were researched. she had flown before, but she had never done a plane change by herself. well of course there are no straight through flights to bumfuque, (xoxo jock) missouri or oklahoma from sacramento - so a plane change would have to happen if she was to come here. she was up to the experience. yaaaaay!

i text'd her mom this morning about the time her flight was to leave - and she text'd back and said she is all boarded and in the air. yaaaaay!

then her mom sends another text and says that the other gramma had called and asked the gdaughter if she would come down to texas. gdaughter says "i'm going to my grammy and grandad's." big YAAAAAAY for us! and a big ZING to the blood gramma.

the other granmma has never had much to do with the gdaughter - and clearly the gdaughter remembers and, apparently does hold a bit of grudge. hmmm, you'd think she really was of my blood wouldn't ya? works for me!

the best hometowner photo

it's been kinda crazy fun around here this summer - which is wonderful, compared to what we went through last spring and summer.

in late june i went back to the ittybitty hometown all class reunion - dragging my feet and pouting about it the entire way. well, wouldn't ya know, i had an absolutely fabulous time! i really enjoyed connecting with the old classmates, crushes, and most of all, friends.

the ittybitty hometown weekly newspaper there runs a photo of "where people are reading the hometowner"
this little section includes a photo of people and/or person reading the hometowner in various places from around the world. my cousin is big on this and whenever we are with them, she ALWAYS has a hometowner with her for the photo op - which she then submits. needless to say, we have been in several of these over the years.

i decided to do something a little mischievous because, as i was growing up, that was what i did ... "how much can i get away with without getting caught?"

i decided it would be fun to climb the fence at the municipal pool after hours and get a photo of a bunch of alumni reading the hometowner and submit it. to make a long story short, there was much orchestrating and fast talking - but in the end i GOT THE PHOTO.

we got to the pool around 11:00 pm and several of us went over the fence - then we saw a car pull up. lo and behold it was a cop car. the cop said he had heard about what we were up to and then asked those that had not yet gone over the fence if they would like to go in the front door - as he had a key.
well, hell yes!

i asked the cop who he was, as i knew he was an import, he said, "i'm kim _____, CHIEF OF POLICE!"

oh... great.

so, we look around for a good place to take the photo and then realize that everyone there wants to be in the photo.

i have no choice, i ask the chief if he would be so kind as to take the photo - he said "sure!" we all got positioned, the chief VERIFIED that it was indeed the "hometowner" that we were holding, and then proceeded to take photo after photo until we got one we all liked.

here's the end result - the clock on the wall is at 11:22 - perfect!

i love being naughty - i guess that never changes with age, eh?

will you want to greet me?

dear mom,

i know it's too late to say i'm sorry.

i wonder if our souls will be at all attracted to each other when (if) i am blessed to make it to the other side.

if you do not come to me, i will understand, and i certainly would not blame you.

i think of you often with love ... but more so, with regret.

they come in all sizes

yesterday on the morning walk, i ran into another fellow walker. i saw he had a headset on and asked if he was listening to an mp3 player or a radio.

he said, "yeh, i just have a little one."

well, honestly, i figured as much, but most men don't talk about it

remembering mom

i picked up a couple very thin, fine, vintage crystal glasses at the thrift store a couple weeks ago. tonight i made myself a salty dog - yes cap'n max, if you are reading this - a vodka based cocktail. unfortunately, my trusted scotchies have been giving me such terrible migraines as of late that i had to make a switch. hopefully, this is a temporary change.

today i was thinking about birthdays - i'm not sure why. i only know one person who's birthday is april 1st - and he is from waaaaaaay back. he may have experienced deathday for all i know.

i remember growing up, on our birthdays, mom made angel food cake. i'm not sure why cuz my favorite desert is vanilla pudding from scratch, dad's is mom's chocolate cake, older brother's is cherry pie, and the younger brother's is cutout cookies. so, why she ALWAYS made angel food cake eludes me. then when the her granddaughters came along, she ALWAYS made angel food cake for their birthdays.

she made these from scratch with the what? 12-14 egg whites?
very few cake mixes were ever used in the old homestead.

i have concluded that, clearly, it did not matter what the birthday person liked, she just liked the challenge of making a non-falling, perfect, angel food cake from scratch - topped with boiled fluffy frosting.

and they were perfect. and never was her angel food cake pan used for anything but her angel food cakes.

needless to say, i will always associate angel food cake with my mom.

mom? is that you or is that me?

recently, I was recalling a time, many years ago, that i dropped in at my folks' house around 7:30 at night and there was mom, already in her sleep wear!
i laughed and, teasingly, gave her a hard time about being ready for bed so early in the evening.

last night, around 7:45, i found myself bathed and in my sleepwear.
have i really become my mom?

the skankass niece

i have 2 brothers. only the older one reproduced. he has 3 living daughters. the 2 older ones are okay. the youngest one is a pure con-skankass and the brother cannot/will not see thru her evil, devious, manipulative ways. he's an A-1 idiot in my eyes these days. the skankass has taken my dad for $5500 and is not done yet.

while dad was in the hospital in his oblivious frame of mind, the skankass went over to his apartment and 'cleaned.' yeh, she cleaned out his freezer which had $800 cash in it AND she managed to find all the copies of her debts to him (the $5500) and promptly disposed of them, never to be seen again.

also, while my dad has been in the hospital/nursing home, his one credit card continued to be used. i called yesterday and cancelled the card and told them that someone has been using it, and yet he has been in the hospital/nursing home since 7/16. the card had been used as recently as 8/10.

yesterday, i found out that the skankass took him out shopping. my dad is in no condition yet to be out and about. he can't even get up by himself yet. i called the bank and 'hotted' his atm card - cuz just sure enough, the skankass would charm this trusting old man out of his pin number. yeh, she's good.

so today, i am trying to get the list of charges on the credit card, cuz clearly i want this skankass stopped - and i'm sure she is the one helping herself.

what i am thrilled about, is that now it's documented that dad is not 'all there' mentally, and there is no way he could've been charging at the local market while he was in the hospital. i know my brother is trying to head me away from all this and repeatedly has thrown the fact that 'HE HAS POWER OF ATTORNEY' in my face. he can do what he wants, and i will continue to do what i can to protect my dad. if only i can prove that the skankass used his credit card without his knowledge, then i'm going to see if i can get some help from the area agency on the aging - for elderly financial abuse.

i want to see that skankass go to jail. she has screwed so many people over the years - when does the karma catch up with her?
i'm going to be real disappointed if it was not the skankass using the card - but the truth will be a good thing - whatever it may be.

what does a real vacation feel like?

the malemate and i used to go on vacations twice a year - real vacations, not relative vacations - you know, the ones where you go to stay with relatives. of course, going to alaska to see my cousin is not considered a relative vacation cuz afterall, she is my lifelong best friend. the malemate and i have not vacationed together since going to south carolina in 2004.
i'm due.

around 6 p.m. monday, i finally arrived back home after an 8.5 hour drive. dad is in the nursing home once again. i am not sure that is where he will stay, and i am quite sure he is going to be a difficult 'guest'.
as of tonight, on the phone, he was confused again. when i was there, he was really quite good after they got him back to the nursing home.
he ended up being in the hospital for 16 days for a prostate issue. he received a total of 6 pints of blood during that time. the last 2 pints were given the the last 2 days he was there. they managed to get his blood up to 10, which is good enough to discharge one from the hospital, and sent him out the door.
i still wonder where that last 2 pints of blood went.

on a fun note, one of the grandson's has been selected to be in an upcoming toyota commercial. he's actually the extremely ornery one.

this morning i opened the email to catch up on the past 3/4 of a week's mail, and there was an email from macy gray's facebook; she had added me as a friend. interesting, eh? especially, since i'm not even on the malemate's daughter's 'friend's list'.
yeh, i added her.

are you sure it's the dts?

yesterday morning i got a call from one of the staffers at the nursing home - dad was taken back to the hospital via ambulance. he talked all night long and was hallucinating something terrible. i talked to the doctor and she said she believes it is alcohol withdrawal - the 'd' of the dts. i questioned that it had been 7 days since he went into surgery - i thought the dts started within 48-72 hours. she said it can take longer. i asked where are the tremors of the dts if indeed it is alcohol withdrawal. no answer.

i talked with a niece and she described some of the things he was doing the night before when she visited him. it reminded me very much of the time when mom had the blood clot on her brain in 1970. several of the family members are not convinced that this is an alcohol issue. the people that check in on him do not believe he was drinking that much a month prior to his surgery.

i think i'll be making the 8-hour drive up there, by myself, on saturday. i know there is nothing i can do to help him - but at least if he comes out of it, he'll have a familiar face there.

forgive me dad

last thursday my dad went in for surgery - cystoscopy and transurethral resection of the prostate (TURP) under anesthesia. when i talked to him after the surgery, he seemed a little confused the first day - but not too bad. the second day after surgery he was babbling nonstop - and bleeding. they had given him 4 pints of blood by now and the nurses could not tell me why he was babbling nonstop but they did tell me that he will sit there and have conversations and no one is in the room with him. the third day they decided they needed to go back in to see if they could stop the bleeding. they evacuated a very large clot and cauterized bleeders - again under anesthesia.

the fourth day i talked to yet another nurse - a guy named steve, who is from my ittybitty hometown and knows my dad. i asked him about this terrible confusion and babbling - as i had done with the previous nurses AND who could not give me an acceptable answer. steve told me that he has seen this quite often with older people that have had anesthesia and that sometimes they come out of it and sometimes they don't. god bless steve for telling me this because i had no idea why this had come upon dad soooo fast - virtually overnight! i had no clue that anesthesia could have that type of short term? long term? effect on some older people.

the docs stopped the bleeding and he is peeing clear now so it's time to discharge him - even though he is in a totally confused state of mind. the hospital social worker calls yesterday and tells me that he simply cannot be alone. well, that's another problem because he lives alone and eight hours from me.

the decision had to be made about a nursing home. my brother, who supposedly has 'power of attorney' is somewhere in the southern part of the state on vacation. i finally got a hold of him and explained the choices - as the hospital will be discharging dad before the brother is home from vaca.

even though the hometown nursing home is going to cost more per day, we thought it would be better to have him there where people would come visit him. i have no idea what his finances are and i do not know how this is going to be handled financially. i arranged with the director for them to pick dad up and bring him there upon his discharge.

a couple weeks prior to this, the family took his car keys and car away. a couple weeks before that he moved into a 6-plex apartment, after being in the house for 20-25 years. a couple weeks before that the doc gave him an alzheimer's test - he scored 19/26. the doc put him on aricept. this has been a very fast downward spiral for him.

i know he does not want to be in a care center. i know he cannot come down here - he's 85 and has been in the hometown his entire adult life. i know he's going to hate us if he does recover from the effects of the anesthesia and realizes his money is gone and he's in a nursing home.

please, god forgive me - and god, please be kind to him, he's my dad.

watching the clock

i'm sitting here trying very hard to get some work out that needs to get done.
i cannot focus.
it seems every second i am checking the time.
my mind and my heart are elsewhere.

in 17 minutes peggy will be at the viewing of her son.

it crushes me as i think about peggy seeing her only child lying in the casket ...
he, being completely at peace - she, being completely shattered.

NO ugly cookies

NOTE: guess i forgot to post this one for some reason

for the 4th of july party i decided to make cutout cookies in the shape of stars. i thought cookies won't melt in the sun and everybody likes a cutout cookie.
very appropriate don't you think?

i mixed them up, chilled them, rolled them, cut them out, baked them, and then i made the frosting.
it was a new frosting recipe and it actually was an excellent one.
but after i got the frosting on and started in with the sprinkles, i could see that they just were not going to be pr'E no matter what i did. and of course, i made a double batch - so then i had about 60-70 uglyUglyUGLY cutout cookies - and no time to try to make something else to take.

the ugly cookies were going with me to OK.

i made mention of the ugly cookies on the facebook page - where the OK! cousin can see.

i tell ya, those OK! cousins are some real shits!

when we pulled into their driveway they had these signs posted in the doorway - check out the 'examples' of what is 'excellent' and what is NOT ALLOWED.




and my reaction:

and the second one

I was on the phone with my lifelong friend and cousin, Peg, yesterday. We were rehashing the week - she talking about concerns of two of grandkids there in Alaska and the shape her ex-daughter-in-law and son are in. Both are alcoholics - and recently had started hooking up again with each other. She's telling of the struggle she is having with all this and in mid-sentence she says, "who is that pulling in my driveway?" She pauses, and then says it's the ex-daughter-in-law." Then I hear her say, "something is wrong. Oh God I hope it's not my son."

Five to ten minutes later she calls back with the devastating news, "Todd passed away."

Todd was her only child - he was 35 years old.

So, there she is over half a country away and dealing with the death of her son. I asked her if she wanted me to come out. She said she wanted to sleep on it.

Her mother and a half-sister will not be going out until the 21st. Peg has a strong al-anon family there - thank GOD she became involved in that over 2 years ago. She also has a significant other that she recently started seeing. He has been away for about 3 weeks - but said he would be making arrangements to fly back in while she is coping.

I am in the midst of making another memorial DVD slideshow of someone I know. I hoped I would not have to do that for quite some time because when it's someone you know and love, it completely drains you emotionally.

Since music is not my thing, megaTHANKS to Jockfulloftunes, who is going to help with the music selection. The family will be scanning and sending the photos ASAP - and hopefully, I can have this put together and sent out to her by the 22nd.

I am so sorry for Peg. Todd was a troubled soul, but he was always a treat to be around- there was never a dull moment.
His heart was full of love - but his dreams could not get past the liquor.

With much love ~

Todd Christopher W.
12-29-1973 ~ 07-12-2009

the 4th here and gone

we were in Oklahoma this past weekend. another couple went with us over to the OK! cousins.
sometimes people mix well, and sometimes not so much. i'm trying to make this work - but the truth is, the other gal and i just don't have much in common. and the more she tells about how her financial relationship is between her and her man, the more i'm losing all respect for both of them.

of course it's NONE OF MY BUSINESS! but she keeps telling me - why do you suppose that is? i have asked her why she puts up with that crap and all she says is, "it's better than being alone."

i guess we all have our price that we will pay to avoid being alone, eh?

ok, so i cracked a beer kinda early that day and ended up being a passenger rather than one of the drivers on the ATV - thank GOD i remembered the salt shaker so i could continue drinking&riding.





Below is a dilapidated tribal graveyard - each of the roofs are from these little 'houses' they build over the graves. inside they place some of the deceased's favorite things - usually articles of clothing and such. it's quite interesting to see. this particular graveyard does not get much maintenance - as you can see. the other one we went to was for indians of foreign wars - that seemed to be kept up a bit better - there was even one of the 'houses' with a red tin roof.








i caught the hen and her chick in the hen house settling down for the night. we were surprised to see that the chick could get up to the top rung of the roost. the chick stayed safely tucked under the hen's wing - the flash of the camera did not seem to startle them in the least.




check out the bench seat 'molded' between the trees. this is on the farm where the party was on the 4th. part of the land used to house arock quarry. on the backside of this is this oldOldOLD shambled rock building. one of the "farmer's daughters" told me she thinks that is where the owners of the rock quarry lived - unfortunately, my camera would not get any decent photos of it in the dark - and i was not going to chance crawling under the electric fence to get closer - and going over the electric fence - well that is just dumb



some of the OK friends killing worms and minnows.

the next ordeal

my dad is 85. he lives alone. he has a body that is broken - back, hips, and knees, incontinent, and according to the doctor, now somewhat mentally.

we were there this past weekend and it was clear that he is even more broken than when i saw him in november. it breaks my heart to watch this 6'3" man struggle just to get up out of a chair.
when i talked to the doctor's office, they told me he scored 19/26 on the preliminary Alzheimer's test. He's now on Aricept.

his blossomed obsessive personality drives us all nuts. he buys stuff that is useless (he says it's for us???) - little does he understand (or chooses not to understand) that we don't want it.

this past weekend he tells me he wants to sell everything and move to the 6-plex which is 'semi'-assisted living. we look at that place plus another one. he really liked the first one.

i am thrilled, to say the least. it's simply not safe for him to live alone any longer and i'm 8 hours away - my one brother lives 1.5 blocks from him, but they do not have a very good relationship.

tuesday night, the malemate is off bowling and i've just poored myself a cocktail and starting to shut down for the day -- the phone rings.
it's my older brother. i answer and he goes off on me about 'stirring up shit and then leaving...like i always do'
huh?

i'm sure it appeared that way to him. so, i proceeded to tell him that it was NOT MY SUGGESTION OR DECISION - that dad had told me he wanted to do this - we simply went and scouted out a couple places with him.

apparently, dad listed the house and set an auction date with the local real estate broker/auctioneer (yeah, how convenient is that combination?) for a date in july. a date that simply does not work for my brother -- and a date which my brother specifically told dad not to go for. it's like dad is doing everything he possibly can to alienate himself from those that just want to help.

this is going to be my longest summer ever.

post SA

i'm feeling pretty OK after being fired from the volunteer work at the SA and being dumped by her. i missed not going there yesterday. i missed the laughing and and playing in the kitchen - but i'm actually okay with it. i have looked back on what i now realize was a 'quasi-friendship', or more commonly called acquaintance and see that it probably wasn't me at all. she has lived in these parts her entire 44 years and never talked about getting together with any life-long friends and doing things. i find that very odd when i think back on it. i still connect with my friends from junior high when i go back home and even chat with some them online occasionally. so, i've come to the conclusion that it's her. she sucks as a friend, hence that is why she does not have any. her loss, cuz i may not be good at a lot of things, but i'm pretty good at being a friend.

now, about the malemate. i bought myself a new computer a few weeks back. i have not installed the spyware on it yet. i'm still debating it. the malemate has not been on his machine much for the past few months. maybe he realized i was serious the last time we had the chat about his shenanigans.

who am i kidding, of course i'm going to install it on here. in fact, i'm going to email the company right now and see how i can move settings and logs from the old drive to this one. gotta go - i've got work to do.