i need some mental magic

i went mushroom hunting/picking yesterday. i didn't get picked up until 4:30pm. to say i was about bouncing off the walls from anxiety most of the day would not be far from the truth. 

however, today is a completely different story. i woke about 1:30am, got up, and got on the net, and have pretty much been there ever since. it is now 2:00pm. i have not even dressed and have no plan to do so at this point. why bother? 

i think i may have lost my friends shar and the cap'n. she and i had a chat the other day regarding an absolute insane decision they are making. i told her that the 'bubbas' that they have hired, are basically gypsy's and sooner or later they will take over their lives. and will use that new 'grandbaby wanna-be' as their 'in'. it was probably uncalled for, but if you knew the entire ordeal/situation, and the fact that i am pretty acute when it comes to reading people, it would all make sense. 

the malemate and i will be going to the OK! cousins for the weekend. i generally look forward to that - but not so much this time.  i keep wondering if i should  tell him about the 'stranger' if that would  move me past all of this shit that i continue to bury myself in.

i bet that when i snap my fingers, i will magically come out of this funk.

snap!

Snap!

SNAP! 

...

crackle? 

pop? 

okay, i have got to get serious about finding some work. this is ridiculous.

any excuse works, right?

i had a dream last night that included both my mom and dad. it was an extremely short dream.
mom looked absolutely radiant!
dad looked sad.
mom was walking with another man, someone i didn't know. she did not introduce me.
dad didn't stay around long. he walked away when mom came up to me.
i always wonder what prompts dreams - as i seldom remember dreams as sleep really is not my friend without some sort of medication.
i have disappointed myself. perhaps that is why they came to me. i have been giving myself a mental beating since 04/06/2011.

i met shar and the cap'n at the casino for an overnight. shar, another friend, and i were at the bar, drinking double scotchies. which in itself is odd, as i seldom drink when i go the casinos. i guess i just wanted to fade my brain for a bit ... to stop the thoughts for a few hours.

shar and i proceeded to do our 'catching up' chit chat, gamble a bit, and and drink. we ordered another and a guy at the end of the bar said something about the scotch. we were surprised, as we seldom run into others that indulge in scotch.
conversation ensued. the guy came over and sat by me and the chat turned subtly flirty.

ever since i have been married to the malemate (going on 19 years total), and in real life, i have always physically removed myself when conversation turns this direction, not wanting to encourage anything.
i was very much attracted to the guy, not sexually so much, but to the personality/aura, and for some reason, i couldn't walk away like i have always done. what was it about him?
he and i left the bar and headed upstairs.
i don't even know what to type about what did or did not happen from that point, but it was interesting/curious.
i left his room.
he had given me his card. daring doncha think since he too is married? ... for what? 27? years. he lives 1.5 hours from me.
damn him for slipping into my already fucked-down life.

can i use the events of the past few weeks as an excuse for my behavior?
i think i am adult enough to answer that with an absolute no.

one addiction for another

it's been almost a month since i started the e-cig. during that time i have smoked maybe 4 analogs and am REALLY loving vaping.

i'm kinda torn on this though, because i am a die-hard gadget person, and vaping with all its paraphernalia is a gadget persons dream.

because of this, in less than a month, i have spent close to $500 on the e-cigs, juices, batteries, chargers, drip tips, atomizers, etc.

of course i can justify this!

when one starts smoking, one tries different brands, lengths, lighters, etc. to try to find the one that is just right.

well, that's what i am doing. i'm trying to find the model and flavor that is just right for me.
just today, i ordered one of these:



a phidias pv -- pv acronym for personal vaporizer - made by a craftsman right here in the USA.

it is going to be made of california pepper? wood and i cannot wait to get it.
of course it does not come with the special batteries, or the charger for those batteries, so i had to order them too. and of course it is going to take more e-juice, so that will be on my order for tomorrow.

at first i was feeling kinda guilty - but when the malemate came home last night after bowling and told me how much he spends EACH week on bowling, well, lets just say i could not WAIT til morning to get on this puter to get my orders placed.

let's give this a try

i have been tobacco free since 02/05/11. this is certainly not the first time i have stopped.
it seems i find a way a to use an event/disappointment/riding in the car with the malemate as an excuse to start up again.

however, i think i found something that just may work for me. i discovered the e-cigs. i had heard about them, but never knew anyone in r/l that used them.

i bought a disposable one in the local smoke shop and right away, it felt that i could use this as replacement. they had 3 different kits in the smoke shop, but for some reason, i just did not have a good feeling about them. so i started researching them.

this opened up an entire world that i knew nothing about. i was pleasantly surprised. at all the people that are using these and all the options.

for days, i read many forums, reviews, and watched oodles of opinions/reviews on youtube. the more i researched, the more overwhelmed and undecided i became.

the terminology itself was throwing me off - but i kept at it. it came to the point that i had 10-12 tabs open in firefox, each with a different vendor/product. finally i just pulled the trigger on one - the vapor4life starter kit. the next morning i got up and looked at it again, and researched some more, and realized that i am not going to be happy with that one. but it was too late. oh well, not the first time i have thrown away money -- and i am happy with my selections on the battery and l.e.d. - copper with a purple l.e.d. on the end - so who knows, maybe it will be okay.

so today i am impatiently waiting for it to arrive - and still continuing to read up on these things and watch even more reviews, and looking at other brands when i realize, i really don't want my new e-cig to be the shape of a cigarette - i really like the looks of the larger size ones and i really like the look of the mako midi but after further reading, it looked like it was a bit of a pain in the ass. so, i decided to click off it.

i ended up ordering the joye ego - in white ... naturally.
however, i did order some 'extras' to 'junque-i-fy' it to my taste, and i ordered a bunch of flavors and strengths. it will be interesting if i can actually kick the tobacco habit (or as the vapers call it - the analog habit) once and for all.

probably about the time i get really attached to these, the fucking government will ban them entirely -- and yet they refuse to ban cigarettes ???
i guess they haven't figured out a way to get all that tax money from the e-cigs like they get from the analogs.

by the next time i post, i will have received at least one of the kits and will be vaping away.

well hello 56

yesterday i turned 56. i was pissed on tuesday nite before going to bed - i hated it that it was the last day that i would be 55. i rather liked that double nickel age. but 56? well, it even sounds boring.

on my last night of being 55, we were slammed with 20" of snow, so when i arose on the first day of my 56th year, the world was covered in white. first off, i was bit torn with this, cuz i do hate the snow, but on the other hand, any shade of white is my favorite color - but definitely HATE the snow.

i downed a couple cups of very strong coffee, donned my jeans, sweater, down vest, coat, ear covers, gloves, and uggs and off to start the digging out in 1-degree temps. not long after, the malemate joined me and we managed to get it half done. we went in, thawed out for a couple hours, and then went back out and finished the drive.
it was tiring. cold. and i was in a pouty pissed off mood.

i came into the puter room to check on work only to find that i was having network problems. i isolated it to the router. i got on the phone with linksys. the foreigner is doing her 20 questions that have nothing to do with the hardware. finally she comes back and says i see that your 90-day free phone support has expired - and before she had a chance - i just said, "i guess we are done talking then." click.

pay for support or go buy another router? well, buying another router is by far the cheaper option plus i would get the free phone support for another 90 days.

by this time, i am really getting pissed off about what a crappyCrappyCRAPPY birthday this is.

i tell the malemate that i am going to walk to walmart to get a new router. he said he would go with, but that we should be okay taking the suv. so, for the third time, we bundled up in the layers of clothing, opened the garage door, got in the suv, started up, backed down the now cleaned off driveway, straight into the 20" deep snow of the street and, OF COURSE, we got stuck.

again, we grab the shovels and proceed to dig the suv out. got it dug out and pulled it right back in the garage.
clearly, i am not going anywhere on my day.
i stomped back in the house.

i went back to the office and started messing with the router settings once again.
finally, i just did a reboot on it - and miraculously, everything came back up - EVERYTHING - even my blackberry - which had NEVER connected to the router!

okay, so now i'm in a little better spirits.

then the malemate calls out that lunch is ready. he had made us his GREAT bacon burgers.

by now i'm starting to actually feel happy.

later, after i had showered and was winding down and had settled on the couch with a scotchie in hand, the malemate sits down on the other end - he grabs the lotion and tells me to give him my feet - he said, "afterall, it is your birthday and you should have a foot massage."
why yes indeed!

okay, at the end of that, i was feeling loved AND happy.
it ended up being a very good start to the 56th year.

thanks hank

i have not played golf since 1998? 1999? i sucked at the game, but i lovedLovedLOVED to hate it.

the reason i had to quit? because i developed an allergy to something on the fairway that broke the blood vessels in my lower legs. unfortunately, it ended up completely staining my lower limbs and what once were nice looking legs and ankles, now look like a botched tatoo job.

however, i do listen to rush limbaugh on the weekdays and he announced that he was going to be hank haney's next project.

i had to dvr this. why? because i wanted to see rush's before and after swing.

i have to say, my swing looked alot better than rush's did on the first episode. but, it was clear that by the second episode, he had learned much, even though it did not come across that he felt he had.

anyway, when i played, i would use the putter when i was on the outside of the green. the malemate and others i played with used to tell me to chip it in. but, the putter was my club of choice. i think i embarrassed the malemate by doing this.

as i watched the second episode of the haney project, hank told rush to use the putter to bring it onto the green.

i about jumped out of the chair whooping and yelling yesYesYES!

thanks hank! that felt soSoSO good!
i feel vindicated.

saying goodbye to once were perfectly good knees

i'm a bit of a walker. i take great pleasure in it. however, i am a fair-weather walker so when the temps start dropping i drag the treadmill out of hibernation and use that.

the other day after finishing on the treadmill, i had pain in one of my knees.
this is not good.
after about 5 hours the pain was all gone.
the next morning i rolled out the treadmill and did the chore - while watching dvr'd tv show
... wait for it ...

the millionaire matchmaker

yeh, not sure how i got started on that one. i think it was because i was trying really hard to avoid watching 'hoarders', which i secretly wanted to watch, and which i am now dvr-ing also.

okay, enough of a few of my treading/tv viewing choices.

anyway, the knee thing is a problem so i have to decide what to do about it.

i'm thinking an elliptical - but space is a huge issue - and from what i have read, the fold up ones give up quality to save on footprint.

so, i thought maybe a recumbent bike or maybe an upright/air bike.

what to do, what to do.

i just don't think i have it in me to 'stick' with any of the above choices like i have the treadmill.

the thrill is gone

i was so excited about getting an iphone. i had already told myself i was going to jailbreak it, cuz i wanted access to non-itunes apps.

sooooo, just be on the safe side, i decided to back everything up (using itunes) just in case i did something wrong and lost all my contacts on the phone after the jailbreak.

i opened itunes, plugged in the phone and a message pops up that i should update my iphone to 4.1. well, i'm new to the iphone stuff and thought, 'oh yes, i most certainly should' and clicked the button. the update occurred.

so, here i am with a 3g 4.1 firmware iphone only to find out that there is no windows jailbreak software for that version of firmware - and that i never should have updated - and there is not a way to 'downgrade' the firmware.

so, i wait and wait for the iphonedev-team to develop the windows version of the jailbreak software.

damn, i wish i would've just stayed with the backflip with android software.

manOman wish i was better at gambling

the cap'n and shar were at one of the local casinos this past weekend and since i had a free room, i went and spent the nite. it was great seeing the two of them again, as it always is. but that shar is a MUCH better gambler than me. she is able to stay with the poker machines until they start 'putting out.' (between you and me, i think she does something to them to scare the shit outta them.)

anyway, i get bored with the same thing after awhile, so i tend to mosey to the slots. this is clearly a danger zone for me i have found out.

when i was at that casino the last time, punching the buttons for 'mr. moneybags' a guy sat beside me and gave me a bit of an education on that type of machine. i tried to recall what he had told me about them during this trip. it actually worked for quite some time, and i had played it to the point where i recouped over 2/3 of what i had lost initially.

but then ...

i didn't cash out and walk away and everything i 'thought' i learned went out the window and everything i had recouped went right back into that machine ... ummm PLUS another $100.

it really pisses me off to like something that much and really SUCK at it.

needless to say, my reservation for next weekend is canceled.

hair versus whiskers

I sure wish the hair on my head grew as fast as the whiskers on my chin.

i'm thinking about a career change -

bearded lady

bling-bling happy!

i am so excited i am about to burst

amongst other things, i am a gadget junkie. i saw an ad on craigslist for an iphone 3g 8gb with 8, yes EIGHT bling cases! i've seen iphones on craigslist before, but they were never being sold in my town nor did they include any cases. it was always just too much of an inconvenience to check them out.

i've talked to the seller and am waiting to hear back from her as to when and where we can meet.

oh happy is me! wish me luck on educating myself on how to use it - hopefully it's as easy as the motorola backflip was -- well, that is AFTER i learned the difference between using wifi and the at&t edge/3g data network. that is one lesson i will only have to learn once ... i hope.

big mouth, but little ears

earbuds are a problem for those of us with small ears. i have probably bought 8 different ones in the past 2 years trying to find something that will stay in my ear and then to stay in my ear without hurting.

i read reviews on the westone 1, the klipsch, along with several other brands and then decided to give the folks at earphonesolutions.com a call. i told the gal that my main issue is that the earbuds always fall out and that i had it narrowed down to the two different brands. she said the westone 1 is much more comfortable and that they come with more ear tips so there is more to work with to find the best fit for the best sound.

i went with the westone1 - and they have free shipping.

oh, about the sony walkman - i think that will be returned. i'm still debating it. it has no way to bookmark an audiobook. so, if i listen to a book for awhile, then switch over to a podcast or music, when i go back to the book, it starts all over from the beginning - unlike my little sansa clip which holds it's place on any category . this is a big disappointment for me, as i listen to alot of audiobooks and podcasts and am bouncing back and forth between the two frequently.

bummer to sony.

perks of my colonoscopy

yesterday i did the dreaded colonscopy. actually, the day before (the prep day) was muchMuchMUCH worse than the scope itself.
bottomline, doc found and removed one polyp, but believes it to be benign, hence, all seems to be fine at this point.

however, there was one HUGE "stroke me" during this experience which made my day, week, year, etc.

as i was rolled into the procedure room where there were 2 female nurses, the one towards the foot of the bed glanced at me and then at the screen, which was also at the foot of the bed.

as she was looking at the screen, she asked me how old i was, and then turned her glance back to me. i told her 55. she looked back at the screen, and said, "well, i saw that on the screen here, but thought there was an error. i have to tell you, you do not look your stated age at all."
i asked, "why? do i look 60?"
she said, "not at all, i thought you were much younger, that is why i was inquiring. i thought they had the birth year wrong."

yeh, i think i have a new best friend. too bad i was knocked out right after that and never did get her name.

i'll think about it

every morning when i wake, i lay there for a second and tell myself, "today i am not going to smoke."

then i bounce up out of bed (yeh, bounce may be a bit misleading) and head to the kitchen to get the cough going - oops i meant to say, get the coffee going and then i stroll out to the garage, light one up, and think about it some more.

dear bob

i have thought of you often
over the past couple years
i put you away
one self-pity day
i think it is time to meet you again,
my Battery-Operated Boyfriend

strokin' me

i've been doing transcription for about 4 years. i so enjoy it. i would go into a deep depression if i did not have the work to wake up to most days of the week. early in the spring i took on another account from a gal in california. i was not getting steady work from her, but i had hopes that it would change in time. i never knew what she was going send my way - so every day i learned something new.

then one day, i thought i would do one of my craigslist searches just to see what was out there for part-time transcription work. not that i was really looking, but ya never know if there is something better.

i had not done a search for work in about 4 months, because i was keeping busy. but, i really did want some steady doctors as it's much easier to get a rhythm when you type the same ones - they too are creatures of habit and generally use the same phrases over and over again.

to my surprise, the second ad on the list was by the gal i am typing for in california. she was looking for a full-time person. so, i emailed her and told her i saw her ad on craigslist and was curious. she asked me if i was looking for more work and i told her i was, but i didn't think i could do full time because of my texas account. so, i asked her if she would consider taking on another part-time person and send the other part-time work to me.

i have to tell you, my 2 faithful 'followers', in this business, it does not seem that we get much stroking. and of course, one does not really know these people you type for, you just hope like hell the checks don't bounce.

anyway, she emailed back with such a 'feel good' note i just wanted to stroke myself a li'l bit by showing you what she wrote:

"I love your work, your work ethic, and your dependability, and I would love to send more work to you. I have one person that wants to do “part-time” and maybe I could give you the majority but send some to her also. Like I said, these doctors dictate irregularly and this office uploads irregularly. It doesn’t make for a very good combination ! and it just keeps me crazed (more than normal). Think about it but just let me know because I answered a couple of resumes this morning. I would love to shift more work your way and not interview for a full-time person."

yeh, no doubt, that was simply delicious for my ego.

i am not nutzo!

about two weeks ago, when i got up in the morning to make the coffee, out of the corner of my eye, i saw a small, moving shadow on the floor. it startled me, but i thought maybe i just needed coffee to shake the sleep fuzzies out of my head. a few days later i went into the office and again i saw a small shadow. now, i was spooked.
i thought i was losing my mind and i finally told the malemate about the two incidents. he didn't laugh, but he smirked and i knew he was thinking i was going off the deep end.

i was getting very concerned; wondering if i was hallucinating. and if i was, what the hell had brought it on?

then the day before thanksgiving, i was busy in the kitchen making my pies and DAMMIT! there it was again! i squealed and the malemate came running in asking what the matter was. just as i was going to tell him what - there it went again - a frickin mouse!

the sticky traps came out and were strategically placed - or so i thought - until 20 minutes later i stepped in one. grrrrrrrrrrr okay, now it is game on. that mouse is not getting out of here unless it is attached to one of those sticky traps.

the malemate left to do errands and i went back to the office to do some work. after awhile, i went back to the kitchen and sure enough, there it was, the cutest little ball of fur struggling on the sticky trap.
Noooooooooooo! the malemate is not here to deal with it!
i get on the phone and asked how soon can he get home.
he was on his way.
the malemate is now my most recent hero.
the mouse in the house is no more. end.

the malemate and i spent turkey day in oklahoma this year. first time in 12-13 years that we did not head to iowa. i felt guilty about it. i missed not being with my people but i did have a wonderful time with the OK cousins - as we always do. i even did black friday for the first time in probably 15 years.

the OK! cousin and i got a later start than planned that morning, and i just knew that walmart was going to be empty of all the 5-11 am specials - as we did not get there til about 8am.
we pulled into the half full parking lot, walked in store, and were surprised that there were so few people - and glancing around, clearly wallyworld had puuuuuuuuuulenty of all the sale items! so, i got a couple of the 1tb external hard drives, a samsung lcd tv, a new office chair, and a 320gb portable hard drive - EVERYTHING on the ad that i wanted, was now in my possession.
yeh, black friday was all about me, i didn't shop for anyone else.
was i supposed to?

now ain't that the shitz - or maybe not

i can't remember if i took my daily dose of miralax today. this creates a bit of a problem. ya see, if i did take it and then take another dose, i may not leave the bathroom all day tomorrow - and if i don't take it and did not take it earlier, well then i won't be needing the bathroom for a week.
i'm going to have start doing daily dispenses in weekly containers, just like i do with the other pills.
getting old sux, doncha think?

what does a real vacation feel like?

the malemate and i used to go on vacations twice a year - real vacations, not relative vacations - you know, the ones where you go to stay with relatives. of course, going to alaska to see my cousin is not considered a relative vacation cuz afterall, she is my lifelong best friend. the malemate and i have not vacationed together since going to south carolina in 2004.
i'm due.

around 6 p.m. monday, i finally arrived back home after an 8.5 hour drive. dad is in the nursing home once again. i am not sure that is where he will stay, and i am quite sure he is going to be a difficult 'guest'.
as of tonight, on the phone, he was confused again. when i was there, he was really quite good after they got him back to the nursing home.
he ended up being in the hospital for 16 days for a prostate issue. he received a total of 6 pints of blood during that time. the last 2 pints were given the the last 2 days he was there. they managed to get his blood up to 10, which is good enough to discharge one from the hospital, and sent him out the door.
i still wonder where that last 2 pints of blood went.

on a fun note, one of the grandson's has been selected to be in an upcoming toyota commercial. he's actually the extremely ornery one.

this morning i opened the email to catch up on the past 3/4 of a week's mail, and there was an email from macy gray's facebook; she had added me as a friend. interesting, eh? especially, since i'm not even on the malemate's daughter's 'friend's list'.
yeh, i added her.

the toshiba dildos

I've got vista on one of my machines.
i hate it.
i had to call for support last week (to some God-forsaken foreign country) cuz i couldn't get the 'restore' option to open.
the 'tech' told me "i can help you with this. i will get your machine back to where it was when you purchased it."
umm and will you also come over here and spend all the hours re-installing the software?
dildo!
i figured it out - i had to start it in 'safe mode' and then do the restore.
i'm going to see if i can get a job on their help desk.